The Arithmetic of Friendship

Kimberlie Dykeman shares her simple but wise process to sifting out, seeking out, and solidifying a killer circle of friends.

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One is taught by experience to put a premium on those few people who can appreciate you for what you are.
—Gail Godwin, American novelist

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From your first breath to your last, you’ll cross paths with millions of people, purposefully engage with thousands, and get to know a bit of the good, bad, and ugly of hundreds …who in turn, merely know you by name or need you fulfilled. But because of circumstances, clever choice and magical chance, a few gems sift out of the lot for the long haul. You know their birthdays and biggest failures, and can agree to disagree on anything … down to the best movie of all time. But most importantly, they mirror your mindset; for they allow you to open the shuttered windows to your personal history and entrust truths and trials, fears and flaws without regret. They enhance your daily life and enrich innumerable facets you’ve overlooked or undervalued. Net-net: they’re “keepers.” And as time goes by, the number of true friends will be counted on but one hand. So … how do we choose those friends wisely?

At the risk of losing some listenership, I will warn you that I often reference the life lessons I have learned from my fantastic, totally down-to-earth, wonderfully approachably flawed, funny yet highly-respected pastor Matt Cassidy of Grace Covenant Church. Mostly because the man just says such insightful, poignant and honestly true things … be also because, as a Christian, I constantly have my ears open to hear the right messages for me that I can incorporate into my own spiritual compass and constitution. That all stated, I am not here to convert you, folks … just as when I quote Steven Tyler (which for those of you who know me, know that I will indeed quote that man) does not mean I am trying to convert you into being an Aerosmith fan, listening to their music or drinking their Kool-aid.

One series Cassidy delivered over several weeks entitled YOU ARE … a few years ago hit on some basics—things that parents would even tell their kids—And that is YOU ARE:

1. What you believe
2. How you behave
3. What you do with your life

But he also included a fourth definer: that being … YOU ARE WHO YOU BEFRIEND. The underlying message being: Choose who you spend your time with—for they choose how you will spend your time. Choose the qualities that stand out most in your pals—because they will become your more standout qualities. Choose how your friends speak to you- because they will have you speaking the same way.

Through my 15 years as a coach, confidante and wingman for businessmen, I’ve learned that the topic of defining, finding and keeping the right friends becomes more challenging for men as they get older—when marriages show up, when career paths need more definition and become more intense, when opportunities call for really good company, and when hurdles take the shape of things like physical and mental health issues, divorce, financial strife, reputation instabilities, family responsibilities, deaths, questions of faith, values and purpose.

So perhaps the first thing to do is define what a friend really is. If we rely on what the dictionary states, we’re pretty much left with a vanilla, oversimplified, plastic-feeling smattering of qualifications, ranging from “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard; a person on good terms with another; who give assistance, who is a member of the same party, nation, etc. and person associated with another as a contact on a social-networking website.” If any of you gents are subscribing and living out any or all of these limp definitions, no wonder you’re struggling in the true comrade department.

Better stated, a friend is anyone whom you allow to influence your view of yourself, the world around you, and God, if you are a believer. Clearly we’re speaking about influence reaches beyond way beyond a mere suggestion on which team to bet on in the Super Bowl, the best way to pitch to that key client, and when is really the best time to get a deal on a new car. Beyond dictionary.com, in this definition the person you crown as a friend has the potential to guide you to think and believe in a certain way on the journey of life; sway you to speak and create a certain language that supports these thoughts; and, even further, impact you to act and thus walk a particular path that demonstrates these thoughts, beliefs and words. And just as you were impressionable you were as a kid, I’ll bet fifty bucks that you’re still readily swayed to be blessed or burdened by your circle of pals.  In a phrase: Choose who your friends will be and they will choose who YOU will be.

And when I say choose, I mean take the reins to find folks—instead of just thinking friendships happen by accident (because you both dine at the same steak house every Tuesday and Friday), by default (because you‘re both devout Cubs fans), by location (because you both work together), or by proxy (because your significant other is friends with so-and-so’s wife). It’s time you became proactive about creating a roster of friends who understand your path of living and align with your beliefs, language and follow through that ensure you keep evolving into the man you wake up every day striving to be. So … where to begin??

1. Define yourself. Put your whole heart into the task of accurately defining the person you want to be and will yourself to become. Select, scrutinize and secure the thoughts and beliefs you’ll pour on your Wheaties each morning … curate the language you’ll use to communicate authentically … and picture your performance of deeds that put the character of you in play.  Then use that diagram as puzzle outline to see which folks indeed fit.

2. Do the math. Or as I call it “the arithmetic of friendship”

So you might not be in the tenth grade anymore, but your pals still impact your choices, style, words, attitudes, and actions. Just think of the times you’ve caught yourself acting completely different with your buddies at the bar, the game or even at work compared to how you speak or act in front of your spouse or kids. If you’re embarrassed or regretful, those are red flags that you’ve allowed certain pals to bend you to their language and actions and away from your own constitution.

So, let’s investigate your current “friends list” and see who still belongs there. Having defined who you are inside and out, you need to be that person around each person you call friend and call him or her out when they cross the lines of your value system. Building a foundation of a friendship for the long haul takes painful truth sometimes—and that means being frank … because you care.

If there were a system for categorizing friends, you could say they add, subtract, multiply or divide your life somehow. With a little analysis, you can easily file them as such. Mind you, doing so is neither to praise nor condemn any as “good” or “evil.” Instead it prompts you to evaluate each person’s impact and influence in your daily life. Who multiplies your joy? Adds to your problems? Divides your burdens? Subtracts from your own identity? Those who do not increase the positives within and around you will inevitably decrease the value of your experiences with negative drain. So, do the math to get what you need and give what you want. Or cut the ties.

On a side note: that math should cover both current and potential male and female friends! If you subscribe to the archaic When Harry Met Sally presumption that men and women can’t be friends, perhaps you need to reevaluate the skew of your compass. As genders, we can joke all we want about how different we are from one another; but seriously, there’s a helluvalot we can learn from our opposites to get through challenges, further celebrate the high points, and truly develop other areas of our minds, hearts and souls.

Net-net: If your diagram of self, thoughts, beliefs, language and actions is set in stone … then you should be able to have both male and female friends. Seek out your pals. Decide what you want to absorb and be surrounded by. Speak up about what lifts you up and drags you down and create a formula for the strong friendship you both deserve.

3. Do the work. Nurture and treasure your relationships! 

Ultimately, “A friend is somebody you want to be around when you feel like being by yourself,” as author Barbara Burrow once stated. Always there but never crowding, offering a shoulder, a word of advice, a helping hand. While you count on them without second thought, make it priority to also thank them with whole heart. Lean on them. Learn from them. Cherish them.  And cultivate what you’ve created!

Bottom line: whatever you need, there they are, adding color, dimension and memorable moments to your life. And if you’ve chosen the right ones, they keep you in line, plumb to your own compass and help you become a better person! And that defines true friendship. The love and loyalty you devote to your friends creates a lifeline to getting the most out of your life and really experiencing all it has to offer.

Photo—Caroline/Flickr

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